Brain Nooky

Sex for the brain? No, more like the after aaahhhhhh feeling which follows the falling-apart-in-lust passion.

My brain has many little nooks and crannies. Places to scuttle to when life puts me into a state of mental spasms. Or more I suppose, when I start believing all the stories my gray matter is coughing up; when I allow myself to become victimized by the ego side of my brain.

Is my life super hard? Hardly. Is it empty? Not in the slightest. Is it dark? Nope. So what the hell is my problem? Nothing the average joe or joette doesn’t deal will—it’s just how I deal with things, given my closet personality (closed off, not coming out from).

Six years ago my mother moved in with us. And it was soon apparent that she was struggling. We discussed and agreed I would quit my job and stay home to care for her. Being private in nature, I was delighted to quit a public job and she was delighted to offer the financial assistance for me to take over the housemaking/keeping. A win-win situation. We both realized life would be sliding downhill for her. And it has been, and like the rolling stone, it’s picking up speed.

Mom has always been a delight. Kind, considerate and loving but she is now struggling with fear as her memory disappears into black holes filling the spaces between dying cells. Many times, as her worn out body becomes stuck, she cries, and other than help or a hug, there’s little I can offer. Helping her, caring for her, watching her, standing outside her bedroom door each morning listening, praying to hear another breath – is my life right now. And many times, I simply need an empty, silent place to skitter away to, like a spider.

And those nooks come in the form of quickie meditations. Better than sex, or at least equal to, most days…

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