Skip one, two…oh, crap, where was I?

And so the brand new blog I so promised would be weekly is already behind. This being one reason I wanted to keep it private for now. Am I nuts talking to myself? Explaining to me why I’m not sharing it with anyone else? Maybe.

I’ve been lax because I’ve been thinking about my life and my mother’s life. She is 91 and her mind layers are shedding like the fur on a 20 year old taxidermied deer head. Unfortunately, instead of merrily falling into na-na land Mom is aware of the loss and it is tearing at her. Instead of enjoying the gentle slowing of old age she is falling into a slow ride of despair. It’s hard on her and it’s hard on us living with her. How do you allow someone to grieve for their losses, to cry a little each and every day, and not fall into that same pit of sadness and at the same time, how do you not become impatient with it?

I’m not a person of patience by nature – ask anyone who’s lived with me. Heck, ask me. But in the last few years I’ve learned to stand back and see my  ‘ego’mind in action. (AKA ‘monkey’ mind). I’ve realized how much my mind natters on endlessly — about everything, and anything, and how without realizing it, those same thoughts would fall out of my mouth. I’ve caught the monkey mind arguing with itself, or promising to do one thing and then turning right around and doing the complete opposite.

What I’m understanding, finally, is that freedom from the monkey mind comes when I listen to what my heart speaks. I’m learning to take those brief, and not-so-brief moments of quiet; letting the breath in and then letting the breath out. Breath in, breath out. And to not jump up when the monkey mind interrupts with the panicked thought ‘ Oh,better not relax until ….

I’m learning to see past my human nature, down into the soul.  The ‘me’ I’ve always been but didn’t know.  Or maybe, like Mom, I’d just forgotten stuff, like the real me, in this human being business.

I think I’m growing. I just hope Mom lives long enough to see me all growed up. Hell, I just hope she recognises me…

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