I gotta’ know—who handed me the tired bag?

Here I sit, watching another television show that isn’t worth watching, but I am. Why? Because I’m all alone. Everyone else has gone to bed. It’s quiet. Well—except for the television and I’m too tired to read, too tired to think, and definitely too tired to face what’s going on inside me. Watching something that has no emotional tag allows me to feel superior; to feel big (not the fat big either—more the mental big.) And it takes no effort from me to feel that bigness and to a tired mind—that is  nirvana.

I know I’m tired and not looking after myself as best I could. Why? Duh—cause I’m tired. It’s an endless loop. The rare peak moments of feeling good usually hit about 3 am when I can’t sleep, step outside, and breath deep enjoying the sensation of the night chill sucking the tiredness away. It lasts until I step back inside shutting the door behind me.

Most mornings the thought of sparking up my face with makeup until I look normal kinda’ good takes more energy than I have, so I just settle for the basics unless I have to go out. Which is sad because shouldn’t my husband be the recipient of me taking care of me? Hell, shouldn’t I be the first recipient of such care?  Not strangers in a mall, or acquaintances in town.

It’s a struggle to slip past the endless loop of tired. To try to find the true self in it all. When you sit down and put your brain on the matter, the question always comes up—why am I not enjoying every precious moment I have? Each moment I daze through is a moment lost. And those moments are my life.

I’m coming to understand the need for baby steps. After all, no infant just walks up the stairs. They struggle to creep over that first edge. If they slip back they don’t give up because they’ve felt themselves do it and even if they didn’t stay there, they know they can do it. They don’t look at the entire staircase, they just give their all to that one stair in front of their face. Then the next. And the next….and…..

ooooh, do I feel a new year’s resolution coming on?

oooooh, am I getting tired of asking myself questions? You betcha’—time for a nap.

Ciao for now

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