Plugging into the Universe

I think I`ve been spending too much time looking at my brain. Partially in amazed appreciation and partially in fear.

This comes from living with my mother. It`s like I have both of us under a microscope making comparisons while trying not to think about the shared DNA.

Mom`s brain is disintegrating. Not rapidly. Not even smoothly. But in weird little chunks. Sometimes those missing chunks even dance back in for a quick visit before leaving again. It makes me wonder what it must be like, being on the inside and, for a while, recognising the losses that make us us.

Will I go down this brain-sucking path too?

Does Mom have dementia? I think so and that is as close are we are going to be sure. Should she go through tests to find out? I don’t believe so. First—she’s almost ninety-two,and second—why add to her confusion and distress just to hang an official title on it.

When Mom moved in, we made a pact. She’d help us financially and we’d help her in all other ways. And now, as pieces of her fall away, a piece of me takes that place. I’m honored to be her memory, her legs, her reasoning and most of all, her protection. The one think I can’t be is her sweetness, and lord, I hope she never loses that because I find having to be nice so wearing…

And sweetness, or not, there are still days I want to run screaming out our front door and not stop until I’m beyond my life.

But since I can’t, I had to find other ways to still my feet. One way is by focussing on my breath. I watch my breath come in and I watch my breath go out. Each in-breath relaxes and each out-breath carries tension away.

Sounds easy-peasy but crap—it takes constant practice.

Still, it works.

The other thing I use is the knowledge that there is always an open outlet for plugging into universal wisdom. It just depends on how badly we need to find it and how far we can pry our minds open.

…HEY! My soul is my leaning post and I ain’t afraid to use it….

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