DUCK—here comes another AHA moment. . .

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I picked up a book called The Map by Colette Baron-Reid. So far I’ve made it through the list of contents (catching the interest for sure), a poem called harbour by Nancy Levin (love it, for it speaks the truth), the Forward by Denise Linn (a head-nodder for sure), the preface (amazing how Colette has survived her life—period) and finally, have read the first lines of the Introduction – Your enchanted map (where I zoned out as she requests and where I had one of those aha moments while doing so). And that’s as far as I’ve gotten so far.

In those lines Colette asks the question Where are you right now?

Then she tells you to Close your eyes and describe where you feel you are. Colette says this inner landscape bears no resemblance to where you are actually located in time and space.

So okay—I close my eyes and feel it out.

I’m in a waiting room. It’s a gray room. Not a yucky heavy gray; the walls, the chairs, the floor—all different shades of gray. There are many chairs in this waiting room. They are in a U shape and I’m stuck in a chair down at the end. The room feels oddly familiar yet I do feel anxious, impatient. Mostly I’m alone, but sometimes other chairs are filled by shadowy forms. This annoys me. I can’t react to them because they aren’t really there. They’re only sort of there. They irritate me with their strange behaviours yet I can’t do anything. I realize they’re figments of my mind. I want them to take off and leave me alone. Sometimes the waiting room empties out and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Phew!

Yet that’s not even the aha moment. Of course I feel tied down. Of course I’m stuck in a waiting mode. No big OMG there. That’s the stage of life I’m in right now with Mom’s dementia. The shadowy figures? I think they are the parts of me I don’t like to acknowledge.Sometimes, when I’m tired I act in ways I don’t want to admit are part of me. Sometimes, when my brain is rested they go away and I feel peaceful.  Not too tough to figure out.

No, the aha moment was when I noticed this stage across from me in room of grays. Then I realize the shows playing are snips from my life. Spits and jerks of it. And that’s the AHA reached out and pinged the back of my head.

Most of my life has been spent in that waiting room. Waiting for the next whatever. So focused on what may happen I let what is happening slip by unnoticed. Wishing it away. I’ve been stuck, in that damn chair, in that damn  waiting room instead of living all those moments of my life.

WoW!

I wonder what the rest of the book is going to bring?

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