Funny how big empty can be

Hard to believe Mom died twenty-two days ago. Sometimes it feels like three years and sometimes a week. I’m still hearing her ‘Mom’ sounds scattered throughout the days. Two days ago I heard the word ‘dammit’ as clear as spring air. Dammit was something Mom was fond of saying when her brain or hands wouldn’t do her bidding. After the creep shiver went away I smiled.

You know, I find there are so many questions about living with death. Mom went through shock after her husband died. Even before the dementia took hold she couldn’t remember her actions, or life, during the year that followed.

Wondering about that makes me wonder if the moves Man-wonder and I have jumped into are right.

I hope so.

Before Mom moved in with us Man-wonder and I had almost talked ourselves into selling our home. Once she arrived it would have been mean to make her face another move so we stayed.  But since she’s been gone the house has stretched out in size again and now it’s filled with an emptiness we don’t like so we’ve put it on the market. Probably before we were ready but when a realtor starts talking, their waves of energy just pull one in and we dove in head first I’m afraid.

Since listing it we’ve been hustling and hurting and going to bed before most children. The fact we cancelled the cable television helped—sort of. Without that beast to numb the mind and keep the butt planted there’s no reason to put anything off. But I’m blaming the lack of television for the hurting in all the places I’d thought gone forever. Cutting off the television is like stopping smoking or only eating enough to maintain your desired weight. It’s painful, scary and yet exhilarating all at the same time.

Our plan is to find something about a third of the size we now have. Say—going from 2400 down to somewhere in the 600-900 sq ft living space.

I wonder, once we are sitting in our new tiny abode, if we will find ourselves staring at a mountain of stuffed boxes and wishing one of them had a remote and channels.  .

Stay tuned—it could get mean and ugly.

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